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Happy New Year, readers! I want to take a moment to bring your attention to some required reading for Ask LadyJ fans. The same way he lists his advice-writing inspirations in his book, I need to give a shout-out to the man whose style heavily influenced my own when I first began. Please buy Savage Love by Dan Savage. You'll enjoy it.

I have been friends with my best friend for about 10 years, and the whole time I've wanted to be more than friends. We had talked about it in the past, but nothing came of it except that she had once liked me as more than friends, but that was in high school. I have since then moved away, but we still kept in touch. Recently I went down to visit, and after having dinner, I told her that even though I was married, I was in love with her, and that I always would be. She said that that was nice, but that she didn't feel that way about me. Everything went ok for the rest of the evening, but that was the last time I talked to her. She will not return my phonecalls or answer my e-mails.

Should I have not told her how I felt?

I don't really understand why you don't understand why the relationship is dead. I mean, after all, you are the one who dropped a bomb on it. I can see a bunch of reasons for her to be upset/confused/angry enough to not want to talk with you.

First of all, you've essentially been lying to her for 10 years. It was a lie of omission, but it's still a lie, and a pretty big one. To find out that someone you've considered your best friend for that long hasn't been truthful with you about something is a very hard thing to accept.

Secondly, you've previously felt out what her response might be if you dropped this kind of bomb, and she said she had once been interested, "but that was in high school". Basically, what that means is that she perceives the relationship as having evolved beyond that level. In even simpler terms, you blew it.

Thirdly, and probably most importantly, you're shopping for a new relationship while you're still married? Who wouldn't consider that despicable? You're either planning on leaving your wife and haven't had the courtesy to tell her, or you're looking to cheat on your wife while still married to her. No woman who respects herself would get romantically involved with a man capable of cheating on his wife. It's just an indication of what's likely to happen to her own relationship with you. Moral reasons aside, what best friend would want to redefine what she believes is a successful friendship so that it has that kind of grim prognosis?

I think that you should have either acted on your "love" for this friend of yours years ago, or you should have kept it to yourself. When it comes down to it, this "love" was all about you, not about her. Your need to confess it was about you, your inability to read signals when talking about it before was about you, and the death of the friendship is pretty much all about you. Then again, you're selfish enough to cheat on his wife and lie to your best friend... who else would you believe it to be about?

My advice is to leave it alone. If the two of you never communicate again, concentrate on your wife, whom you swore before God you would love, honor, and cherish. If your best friend gets in touch with you and wants to pick up the friendship where it left off, count yourself lucky. If she calls and tells you she wants your cheating, lying ass, you deserve each other. I just hope your wife can find another selfish liar to fill that void.

Born and raised in NYC, LadyJ developed a quick wit and an acid tongue to entertain her friends, and cut down those foolish enough to oppose her.

This abrasiveness earned her a reputation as a heartless bitch in some circles, but those closest to her still believe she has a great capacity for understanding and caring, and a talent for advice.

On this website, LadyJ offers herself both to help those who ask her advice, and to entertain those who find her humorous. Those who fall into neither category are leftovers, and we all know that no one likes leftovers.

So, if you have a problem that you need help with, and the courage to accept her advice...

Ask LadyJ!

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