Ask LadyJ
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Hi again, people. Regardless of your attempts to assassinate me, I am still here, and I am still putting my two cents in. It has also recently come to my attention that some of you actually like me. Well, needless to say, I was flabberghasted. (I wasn't really, I just like that word... flabberghasted. Flabberghasted. fLaBbErGhAsTeD.)

This week, I find it necessary to make an empassioned plea. I NEED more letters. The pickings are getting rather slim, my friends. Please think of a problem in your life and write me a letter. That said, on with the show!!


Dear Lady J,

My boss recently caught me making photocopies of my butt at the office. I thought I would be in BIG trouble, but he just picked up a copy, laughed and walked away. Needless to say, I was very relieved. But this week, he's started following me around the office, making up excuses for "one-to-one employee conferences" and asking me if would "make some photocopies" for him.

I want to tell him to leave me alone, but I'm afraid it will cost me my job because of the Xeroxing incident. Likewise, I can't sue for sexual harrassment because of the strict mimeograph laws in my state. What should I do?

-- Cornered and Copied


Well. This is quite a situation. My suggestion is to sue for sexual harassment, and claim that the Xeroxing incident never happened. If he produces copies of your ass, claim that it is not your derriere. This works only if you have no distinguishing characteristics on your tush.

If these copies are easily proven to be of YOUR backside, he needs to be bumped off. If you don't have the guts to do it yourself, hire someone. These days, I'm sure you can find a hitman if you spend enough time scanning through web search engines.

Now, if the photocopied heiny is easily proven to be yours, and you can't bring yourself to take a human life, another option is to lure him into the copy room and let him know that it would turn you on to see photocopies of HIS butt. Hopefully you will then have evidence that will allow you to counter-blackmail him. Maybe you can even arrange a trade.

Your last option is to cower in shame, you disgusting pervert. A Xerox machine is not a plaything, and I'm sure that your co-workers would shun you if they knew that your buttcrack had been where they place their perfectly manicured fingers on a day to day basis. Your behavior has secured your place in hell.

Shrug. It's your call.


There is this girl I know, her name is K. She ratted on me and my friend that we were ditching class. We are going to kill her for it, because we got in really big trouble. Since you live in NY, do you know any good murder methods? Or, do you know some less drastic method of solving the problem? (P.S. she has done more to my friend and I than this)

-- Malicious Person


Well, like I told the pervert, the web probably has some fantastic murder methods. At least, the Moral Majority seems to believe so, and they couldn't possibly be wrong, could they? I do know how to do some damage to a person who is foolish enough to attack me, but I would not use this knowledge for an offensive strike. I am not even sure I could. The method that I learned involves reaching up to my attacker's face and sticking my fingers up his nose and tweaking it hard. Apparently, the adrenaline that you produce when your life is in serious danger extremely intensifies this seemingly innocuous act, leaving your attacker helpless and writhing on the ground in a pool of his own blood. This is then your cue to run and put lots of distance between you and the very angry, very bloody man.

Now, I am sure you can see why this will not work with your tattling little friend. First of all, she is on the defensive, not you. Secondly, the adrenaline produced by anger is not nearly as potent as the adrenaline produced by fear. Thirdly, the key to making this maneuver work is the escape. You want to disappear. She knows you, she knows where to find you, and she knows who to tell on.

My advice is to let things go. Before you go getting petty, think this one through. Those tattling, nerdy kids grow up to be rich entrepreneurs, and big bully types end up doing blue-collar work at slave wages. Maybe you should make friends with her, and glom on to some of her wealth when she least expects it.


Born and raised in NYC, LadyJ developed a quick wit and an acid tongue to entertain her friends, and cut down those foolish enough to oppose her.

This abrasiveness earned her a reputation as a heartless bitch in some circles, but those closest to her still believe she has a great capacity for understanding and caring, and a talent for advice.

On this website, LadyJ offers herself both to help those who ask her advice, and to entertain those who find her humorous. Those who fall into neither category are leftovers, and we all know that no one likes leftovers.

So, if you have a problem that you need help with, and the courage to accept her advice...

Ask LadyJ!

Special thanks to The Geckoplex for its help in launching and promoting the advice of LadyJ.