Ask LadyJ
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Advice. The final frontier. These are the meddlings of the smartass LadyJ. Her mission: to explore scary places in the human psyche, to put a new spin on old problems, to ignore warnings of "Don't EVEN go there."

Dear Lady J,

My boyfriend and I have been going together for 8 months. He is the first serious relationship I have been in for 2 years. The guy I was with before him was VERY controlling (borderline abusive) and cheated on me constantly. I was with this guy for 3 years (engaged for 1 1/2 years) before I found out that he had slept with many other girls (including 2 that were friends at the time).

Eight months ago I met a guy who is the complete opposite of this guy. He's the kindest most gentle guy I have met in a long time. The problem is that I realized that I have a problem trusting him. Deep down I know he would never do anything to deliberately hurt me, and I am completely in love with him. But the second a situation arises I automatically jump to the wrong conclusions and I tend to nag a little. So just recently he has seemed to shut me out, claiming he needs "space". And in this time I have taken a long hard look at myself and what I have been putting him through, and I just feel terrible about it. I've tried talking to him but I think he just thinks this is a desperate ploy to make sure he doesn't leave, and as soon as I know I have him back that things will go right back to the way they were.

Honestly I have never really seen a problem with myself until I really looked and saw that I was treating him with an uncanny likeness to the way I was treated, and I am whole heartedly sorry. I would do ANYTHING to show him this and make up for all I have done. But I don't know where to begin. I am giving him the space he needs, but I fear he's drifting even farther away. Do you have any advice?!!

-- Unsigned


First of all, I'd like to congratulate you for getting out of that bad relationship from before. It can be the hardest thing in the world to even admit to oneself that she is being abused, be it physically or emotionally. Some of the strongest women I know have spent years in abusive relationships. In fact, in the first few years of my dating experience, every guy I chose was emotionally bad for me. In retrospect, I realize that this was a direct reflection of my own self-esteem. I didn't think I was worthy of respect, so I pushed away the good guys and sought out those who would treat me badly. This poor self-image was then perpetuated by the treatment I received from these guys. The sad truth is, most women find themselves in this same cycle.
At a few points, I allowed good guys to get close to me, but then I did exactly what you have described. I let my own fears poison the relationship. I was afraid that I would fall into the same patterns, because deep down I still felt I was not worthy of a man who loved me and treated me well.

Last June, I started going out with my current boyfriend. I started to pull the same stuff, poisoning the relationship with negative energy. He helped me to realize that I am indeed worthy of love and respect. I took all that energy I was using for self-pity, and I made it productive. I am in a completely healthy relationship now.

If you really think that this man is worth it, you need to convince yourself that you are worth it as well. If he is not worth it, or if he doesn't have it in him to come back to you and try again, love being alone. Trust me, once you start to really love being without a boyfriend, men come out of the woodwork. Above all, love yourself. You rule.



LadyJ,

I just read my boyfriends letter to you. I'm quite amazed that he hasn't had an erection either on these two occasions. He seems comfortable letting me have all the fun so far, but will that eventually end? Should I be more willing to just have it one way and not both ways? Help me, I'm worried about his self-esteem.

-- Florida's Flacid Companion


Flo, honey... you didn't notice? Were you so engrossed in muff-diving that you forgot to pay any attention to your boyfriend? I suppose you figured that if you were getting the job done without him, he wasn't a priority at the moment, eh? Well, I have news for you. Sex is a partnership. It should be just as important to you that he gets off as it is that you do, and a LOT more important than whether or not this stripper friend of yours gets off. Remember, he is the one with whom you spend the off-peak hours (so to speak).

Where was your concern for his esteem on those two occasions? If you didn't even notice that he had no erection, you couldn't have been interacting much with him. If the threesomes thing is the route that you guys want to go, fine. However, you have to actually let him participate. Otherwise, it isn't a threesome. It's two women having sex, and a spectator. Obviously, the voyeurism thing isn't enough for him.


Born and raised in NYC, LadyJ developed a quick wit and an acid tongue to entertain her friends, and cut down those foolish enough to oppose her.

This abrasiveness earned her a reputation as a heartless bitch in some circles, but those closest to her still believe she has a great capacity for understanding and caring, and a talent for advice.

On this website, LadyJ offers herself both to help those who ask her advice, and to entertain those who find her humorous. Those who fall into neither category are leftovers, and we all know that no one likes leftovers.

So, if you have a problem that you need help with, and the courage to accept her advice...

Ask LadyJ!

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