Ask LadyJ
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Hello, reader. I'm back! I'm pleased with the number of letters that I have been receiving. Keep it up! I'm sure you have still more problems that need to be tackled in the coming weeks. I am anxious to walk around in your brain.

Dear Lady J.
I am a 38 year old female,married for 15 years, 3 happy healthy children and am a critical care nurse. I love what I have and do but my problem is the place I work for is going to be starting random drug testing. I refuse to apologize for still liking to smoke an occasional jay, and feel that the world is becoming way too interested in everyone else's business. What advice do you have for me?

-- Unsigned


You have a few options.
You can start buying the magazine High Times and read all the ads that offer powdered urine for drug tests. I don't know how authentic this is, and it makes me laugh to picture some stoned person trying to mix urine over a bathroom sink. Just don't get it confused with your household's Tang. Someone would not be pleased.

You could do what someone I know did, and have one of your kids give a urine specimen and bring it to work. However, I think this is an awful thing to do to your child, and you'd probably have to explain why. Moreover, getting fired is a horrible way to find out that your kid is smoking pot.

The final option, and one that you should do anyway, is protest the testing as an unconstitutional invasion of your privacy. Drug testing is not 100% accurate. False readings do come up. There are some foods and prescription medications that produce the same chemicals in your system as do some illegal drugs. A false reading would incriminate an innocent person, and John or Jane Q. Public should not have to subject him or herself to that risk. A person cannot be forced to take a polygraph test because of its questionable accuracy, so I don't see why a person can be forced to undergo drug testing. If your job is on the line because of it, consult an attorney. I could be mistaken, but I don't think they can threaten to fire you if you refuse testing.



Dear LadyJ

When I have very little to do at work, I keep putting it off, because there isn't a lot to do, and then I wind up getting in trouble.

When I have too much to do at work, I start feeling panicked, depressed, and inept, and then I wind up not doing any of it at all, just kind of staring off into space, and then I wind up getting in trouble.

It seems that there is a tiny "window" of how much I have to do that keeps me working and productive. And, as I get older, that window gets smaller and smaller.

I want to be a happy, productive, salaried member of society, LadyJ. Help!

- Mr. Avoidant Behaviour


Perhaps the problem, Mr. Avoidant, is not that you are not doing enough work, but that you are upset that you are not doing enough work. Maybe your attitude is what you need to work on. I think you should do the very least that you can get away with, and be pleased with that. Then go play golf. I'd go into it further, but I don't feel like working that hard at it.

LadyJ,

I must clarify my previous letter as you misunderstood my question. I did very much notice that he wasnt having an erection...as did our threesome partner. We both tried on several occassions the first time to "arouse" him, to no effect. I also asked him at that present time and many times afterward if it bothered him that he couldnt participate, and again and again he told me, "No, I'm happy if your happy and I think my member will come along at some point." We also had many conversations about what we should do if the situation came about again, which it did. He said at that point many times, well, I would love to join in, but if my member says no, then watching would be fine too and that he loved watching.

What my question was.....was this: "Even though he says it is ok to indulge with another partner in front of him when his body isnt participating, should I?????" Is he just wanting my happiness? Should I refrain if he cant get it up? Should we stop this all together? I dont want to lose my partner who I love very much. That is the furthest thing from my mind. I would rather stop the attempted threesomes and go back to what we had before, if this could destroy us.

Sincerely,
Frantic Florida Female


Frantic Flo, I think you need to put more effort into communication. I cannot tell you what to decide to do with your stripper friend. However, I can tell you that the relationship you have with your boyfriend must not be as wonderful as you would like to think, if your communication with him is being routed through me as a middleman.

My point to you in response to your previous missive was that you were shocked by the fact that he was unsettled. This does not indicate a really good line of communication. This is not solely his fault, or yours, but a problem that both of you need to work on. You need to say to him, in no uncertain terms, "Look, I know that you have told me that it doesn't bother you that you can't get it up on these occasions, and that watching is enough. However, it is obvious that it upsets you in some way. You need to talk to me about these things, or they will fester into resentment. You are much more important to me than the bimbo, and your happiness is more important than being kinky." If he says he still wants to do the threesomes, fine. If he won't do you the service of being truthful after you are that direct, he is then at fault.

The thing that destroys relationships is the inability to communicate and say "I need." If he is unable to do this, the relationship will become unbalanced and topple. Once someone is willing to give in too much, he will find that it becomes harder and harder to assert his needs, and he will become resentful. Resentment turns into anger and then hatred. Pretty soon he will hate everything about you. One day he will explode when you stir your coffee too loudly. Then he will storm out and never return.

You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?


Born and raised in NYC, LadyJ developed a quick wit and an acid tongue to entertain her friends, and cut down those foolish enough to oppose her.

This abrasiveness earned her a reputation as a heartless bitch in some circles, but those closest to her still believe she has a great capacity for understanding and caring, and a talent for advice.

On this website, LadyJ offers herself both to help those who ask her advice, and to entertain those who find her humorous. Those who fall into neither category are leftovers, and we all know that no one likes leftovers.

So, if you have a problem that you need help with, and the courage to accept her advice...

Ask LadyJ!

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