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WARNING: This column is not for the timid! The views expressed in this column are the raw, unfiltered words of LadyJ herself, and do not necessarily represent the views of anyone but LadyJ. Persons of sensitive disposition and those with heart conditions should proceed with extreme caution!
This article and all others appearing under the "Ask LadyJ" banner are for entertainment purposes only. No opinions expressed in this column should be interpreted as medical, legal, or psychiatric advice. "Ask LadyJ" may contain adult subjects and language, and should not be viewed by children. |
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It's me again. I've found the time in my busy schedule to throw you needy souls another bone. Don't say I never gave ya nuttin. Seriously though, I am very thankful to my loyal readership, and I invite any of you new readers to become part of the fold. I'm here every week, and I enjoy entertaining and helping people. If I can do both simulataneously on a few occasions, all the better. I do want to stress that this column would not be possible if it were not for your letters, and I have to thank those of you who have contributed. Keep it up! Dear Ladyj, One of my best male friends for about three years now, had a crush on me at the beginning of this year. Thinking it was just a crush, being so close together, I was able to pretty much handle it without a problem. I care for him, but I wouldn't be comfortable becoming intimate with him. Anyhow, when it was seemingly settled out with him, everything went back to the way it was. Only recently he has been ignoring me and flirting with other girls right in front of me. I become actually jealous watching this but I know I shouldn't. I guess I miss the attention he once gave me. I find myself leading him on to get back that attention and I know it's wrong. Now we are just kind of distant from each other and it's the worst possible situation. What should I do? -- Bklyn Gal Well, it seems that the both of you have a little bit of a problem with lack of control, or with not getting what you want. He wanted you, you told him he couldn't have you. He backed off and moved on, and you missed having a measure of control over him. Soon, you decided you wanted him. Seeing that the shoe was on the other foot, he decided that in order to gain back a measure of control over his own self, he would have to deny you what you wanted. Once the two of you can come to terms with your inability to control one another, you should be able to open a line of communication, and work toward becoming close again. You've already taken the first step by identifying your reaction for what it was. If you can recognize it as a symptom of a larger, and less than attractive trait in yourself, you're halfway to overcoming it. By the way, I'm from Brooklyn as well. I don't know if the behavior that you described is exclusive to that area, but more than half of the girls in my high school, given the same situation, would have reacted in exactly the same manner. should i go on my date. Should i go all the way? -- vivian davis Vivian, are you related to Bruce from the March 7 edition of Ask LadyJ? I really must point out how much more difficult it makes my job when the questions are so brief. Sigh, alright. I will give you the best answer I can. The answer would have to be no. Sex, whether it is for the first time, the twenty-third time, or the two hundred and eighteenth time, should only occur when both parties are completely comfortable with it. Assuming that he is completely ok with hitting the sheets -- which is generally, but not always, a fair assumption, because a guy will very, very rarely turn down sex. Especially when it is sex with a woman with whom he has already made a date -- assuming he is 100% up for it, you still have to be. The fact that you felt the need to ask me indicates that you are not. Granted, a virgin will have doubts, and will almost assuredly not be 100% comfortable with the situation. Still, a smart virgin listens to her doubts and defines the source of those doubts. "Am I nervous about having sex with him because it is an experience with which I am unfamiliar, or is it for another reason?" If it is for any other reason, it is probably a bad idea to have sex. Yes, sex feels very good. Yes, it is a natural urge, and a biological need, to do that which brings you to orgasm. Yes, sex is something that can bring two people closer together. However, it can only bring together two people who want to be brought closer together. In all truth, there are other ways in which you can feel closer to each other. Cuddling is terrific. If the two of you have not cuddled, you definitely shouldn't have sex. There are some people for whom sex is simply a means to an end. The only aspect of sex that concerns them is the immediate enjoyability of it. Afterwards, it's business as usual. Fine, that's for them. That type of encounter is something with which they are 100% comfortable. I make it a point to try not to regret things that have happened in my life. Even the bad things, because I can chalk them up to experience. However, I still try to think major decisions through, because it is easier to not regret a decision that was well thought out, than it is to not regret a decision that was made hastily. Dear LadyJ, I have a problem that I hope that you can help with. I have a good friend that I am no longer able to stay in contact with. No good excuses, just the usual (work, social stuff, laziness, etc.) How do I let her know that I still value her friendship even when I can't be there to be her friend? Signed, A Snoball melting in AZ. Snoball, you need to send her many, many presents. You need to beg her forgiveness. You need to set aside a certain amount of time, as often as possible, to converse through email, and to browse through her many, frequently updated, web-related projects. You need to check for her whenever you are on irc, instead of sitting there, idling, while you take care of customers, or some such nonsense. In short, if you value her friendship, you need to show it, and you have to put more effort into it than simply writing a letter to her advice column. |
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Born and raised in NYC, LadyJ developed a quick wit and an acid tongue to entertain her friends, and cut down those foolish enough to oppose her. This abrasiveness earned her a reputation as a heartless bitch in some circles, but those closest to her still believe she has a great capacity for understanding and caring, and a talent for advice. On this website, LadyJ offers herself both to help those who ask her advice, and to entertain those who find her humorous. Those who fall into neither category are leftovers, and we all know that no one likes leftovers. So, if you have a problem that you need help with, and the courage to accept her advice...
Special thanks to The Geckoplex for its help in launching and promoting the advice of LadyJ. |