WARNING: This column is not for the timid! The views expressed in this column are the raw, unfiltered words of LadyJ herself, and do not necessarily represent the views of anyone but LadyJ. Persons of sensitive disposition and those with heart conditions should proceed with extreme caution!

This article and all others appearing under the "Ask LadyJ" banner are for entertainment purposes only. No opinions expressed in this column should be interpreted as medical, legal, or psychiatric advice. "Ask LadyJ" may contain adult subjects and language, and should not be viewed by children.

I considered taking this week off, because I thought I might be too stressed to write my column. See, this week is tech week for the show that I am stage managing, Everything In Mist. Considering also that this is my first time managing a show, the stress level is high. However, I have a few minutes before I am needed again, and nothing fights stress like doing something that you know you do well. So here I am, and here we are.

dear lady j

i've got a major problem and maybe you can help me. i've got a girlfreind that is more like a pen pal right now and there are some women at work that i'de like to take to a movie or something. the problem is i don't want to lose the girl i write to because she'll be coming home for good soon. what should i do?

Well, Mr. Unsigned, it seems to me that you have very little respect for other people. This is characterized by the fact that you seem to hardly be worried that your girlfriend would be hurt, and the fact that you mailed me this letter three times in the space of one week. You also don't seem to care that whomever you date in this timespan will be at risk for hurt, because you already have a girlfriend.

If your current girlfriend is coming home for good soon, wonderful! Look forward to that time. If that is not enough, and you still want to date other people, you ought to discuss that with her. If she is more forgiving than I, she might even consent to an open relationship. Then you can date all the office bimbos you like. However, if you date other women before she gets home without her knowledge, you risk hurting her, and ruining your relationship. If she dumped you for it, I would not blame her in the least.

If you consider her a pen pal, don't kid yourself into thinking of her as a girlfriend. On the flip side, if she is your girlfriend, don't classify her as a pen pal. She is one or the other. Each title means something entirely different, and there are different responsibilities for the care and feeding of each. If you opt for pen pal, you'd damned well better tell her that now, instead of later, when it might hurt more.

One more thing. If you decide to write me a letter ever again in the future, send it once. Having a letter in my inbox in triplicate does not make me more inclined to answer it.

The old saying "If you love someone set them free, if they return they are yours once more if not they never were" (Something like that) Is that really true or is it just something to ease the soul???

Well, there are two sayings. There is the much marketed "If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, hunt them down and shoot them." and there is the original "If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, they were never yours to begin with." Both of them are grammatically incorrect.

Hunting down an ex is not a healthy outlet. Shooting your ex is not a healthy outlet either. These things can really only result in making yourself more miserable, and possibly even legal action. Therefore, the first statement does absolutely nothing to "ease the soul".

The second statement is a bit more true. If a person is not more happy with you than with anyone else, he or she is not meant to be with you. I don't know if knowing that does anything to "ease the soul", but it's the truth. I suppose the comfort lies in chalking it up to some great hand of fate, rather than taking responsibility for the way things are. In that respect, the statement is a cop-out. Saying that a person leaves you because she or he was "never yours to begin with" absolves you of any guilt about doing things that might have driven her or him away.

In the end, you're going to convince yourself of whatever you need to believe so that you can get to sleep at night. Whatever that is, you'll have to decide, because you have to believe it.

Dear LadyJ,

I think you are FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE

-- Anonymous Web-Poster

Why, thank you! I feel fine. Writing today's column helped get rid of the stress I was feeling, and I am back to feeling fine. In fact, if someone I know met me on the street and said, "How are you?" I would probably say, "Fine, and you?"

It was very sweet of you to notice that I am fine. You have a nice day now, okay?

Born and raised in NYC, LadyJ developed a quick wit and an acid tongue to entertain her friends, and cut down those foolish enough to oppose her.

This abrasiveness earned her a reputation as a heartless bitch in some circles, but those closest to her still believe she has a great capacity for understanding and caring, and a talent for advice.

On this website, LadyJ offers herself both to help those who ask her advice, and to entertain those who find her humorous. Those who fall into neither category are leftovers, and we all know that no one likes leftovers.

So, if you have a problem that you need help with, and the courage to accept her advice...

Ask LadyJ!

Special thanks to The Geckoplex for its help in launching and promoting the advice of LadyJ.